Teenage step son that can't be bothered

hopfarm

Hi my 13 year old stepson has learning difficulties , he is dyslexic and possibly dyspraxia . We went to his parents evening 4 weeks ago , all the teachers commended his attitude to learning in the classroom but emphasised the importance of his need to put in extra effort in his own time . Upon returning we sat and discussed the effort he would need to put in (reading independently every night ,my maths/bbc bitesize / lunchtime clubs etc) . So tonight (he goes back to school tommorow ) he can't find his completed homework , and has done no reading , my maths or put in extra homework) because he "can't be bothered" . I have come down tough , taken away his iPad , banned him from xbox and ceased all after school activities . My husband has said we can't stop him playing football as it lets his team down , I disagree , am I beng unreasonable ?

ViolaLass

He's the one letting the team down, not you.

However, I think you need to make clear to him what he needs to do in order to get those things back and keep them. Not just 'do your work' but e.g. 'if you miss more than one homework a week, I will take your iPad away for three days' or whatever you want to do.

meritaten

How many punishments is that? if he still 'cant be bothered' what do you have left to punish him with?
I do think its unreasonable to stop him playing for his team - that's a valuable activity and to my mind should be a 'last resort'.
His teachers commended him in school - perhaps he feels he does enough there? does he agree that he should be doing all this extra 'work' at home?

I may well get flamed for this - but, I think overpunishment often has entirely the opposite effect to the one parents intend. it can make the child turn stubborn and dig their heels in. just a friendly warning - I have seen this happen, and the result was a very unhappy teen and the family seemed constantly at war -especially if the parents aren't on the same page regarding what is and isn't fair punishment.

balletshoes

hopfarm wrote: »

Hi my 13 year old stepson has learning difficulties , he is dyslexic and possibly dyspraxia . We went to his parents evening 4 weeks ago , all the teachers commended his attitude to learning in the classroom but emphasised the importance of his need to put in extra effort in his own time . Upon returning we sat and discussed the effort he would need to put in (reading independently every night ,my maths/bbc bitesize / lunchtime clubs etc) . So tonight (he goes back to school tommorow ) he can't find his completed homework , and has done no reading , my maths or put in extra homework) because he "can't be bothered" . I have come down tough , taken away his iPad , banned him from xbox and ceased all after school activities . My husband has said we can't stop him playing football as it lets his team down , I disagree , am I beng unreasonable ?

when you discussed this with your stepson after parents evening, how involved was he in the discussion ie did he readily agree to all of the extra homework, self study? Was there a discussion at that time about consequences to him if he didn't do the extra work?

Could you all get together again now, and discuss it calmly, with suggestions from all sides on the best way forward?

elsien

Are you sure the "can't be bothered" isn't his way of masking his lack of organisation if he does have dyslexia and/or dyspraxia. Have you helped him over the last four weeks with strategies to get things done, or have you left him to get on with it on his own. My nephew has dyspraxia
and much of his clowning around is because he knows he struggles with things but doesn't know what to do about it, and he won't ask for help because he's trying to hide his problems because he thinks he's stupid for not being able to do it on his own.
Dyslexia isn't just about reading, there's more to it than that.

Mojisola

meritaten wrote: »

I may well get flamed for this - but, I think overpunishment often has entirely the opposite effect to the one parents intend. it can make the child turn stubborn and dig their heels in. just a friendly warning - I have seen this happen, and the result was a very unhappy teen and the family seemed constantly at war -especially if the parents aren't on the same page regarding what is and isn't fair punishment.

I'm with meritaten on this. Our son is dyslexic and the extra effort he had to put in to try to keep up at school meant that he was already working much harder than his peers - if we had tried to force all those extra things on him, he would have given up completely.

What are you and the school doing to help your son with his problems? My son benefited a lot from classes run by the Dyslexia Association. He was happy to give up some of his free time to go to them because he found them so useful.

I worked with the school and got them to agree to let him pass up on some work or to present it in a different way to ease the pressure on him.

lostinrates

balletshoes wrote: »

when you discussed this with your stepson after parents evening, how involved was he in the discussion ie did he readily agree to all of the extra homework, self study? Was there a discussion at that time about consequences to him if he didn't do the extra work?

Could you all get together again now, and discuss it calmly, with suggestions from all sides on the best way forward?

My question would be why are you surprised now OP? Knowing it was an issue one might have thought you/parent might have set goals for him through the break. Often the problem isn't so much being bothered so much as motivated or being able to self structure/discipline. So....he needs some help. The night before suggests its been on the back burner for everyone not just him.

hopfarm

We discussed it with him at length , told him how proud we were of him for the progress he has made and emphasised how important the extra effort was now . We try and check his homework every night (?always a battle ) and try and ensure he reads and prepares for the following day. His 12 and 16 year old brother have no issues with'homework but am getting tired of constantly battling with him . Also very worried about his future if he doesn't change his attitude .

Mojisola

hopfarm wrote: »

We discussed it with him at length , told him how proud we were of him for the progress he has made and emphasised how important the extra effort was now . We try and check his homework every night (?always a battle ) and try and ensure he reads and prepares for the following day.

His 12 and 16 year old brother have no issues with'homework but am getting tired of constantly battling with him . Also very worried about his future if he doesn't change his attitude .

His brothers won't be finding their homework anywhere near as difficult as he is.

Battling with him isn't working - you need to find a strategy that works for him and his particular problems.

xinran

meritaten wrote: »

I may well get flamed for this - but, I think overpunishment often has entirely the opposite effect to the one parents intend. it can make the child turn stubborn and dig their heels in. just a friendly warning - I have seen this happen, and the result was a very unhappy teen and the family seemed constantly at war -especially if the parents aren't on the same page regarding what is and isn't fair punishment.

Please take note of this comment - I can't over-emphasise my agreement with it.

hopfarm

We work with him every night when he is with us but it is always a constant battle . We both work full time so often there is only a short time after finishing work /dinner/after school activities to question homework . He has been at his mothers for the last 10 days so we were unable to keep track on his progress . Just wonder how much nagging /pressure/ encouragement is needed before he takes responsibility for his own actions .